Sober reflections

Funny, the paths one's life follows, eh? I was trying to find a way to express some thoughts the other day to my pal, Al and was having such a hard time of it. I am going to try and type it out here....

When I was working, the thought of retirement and getting 'old' just never crossed my mind. I went to work, lived my life and struggled to find meaning in it all. I loved my job of driving a city bus in Vancouver. I always commented...they pay me to drive around, drink coffee and talk to people?  Hell yes.....and looking back, I am still of that mind. My 'life' was pretty much of a fiasco. I could not find that which I sought...whatever that was. Happiness, I guess. I seemed to bring people into my life that were bad for me. Not bad people, but bad, for me. I always wanted to do things...travel, camp...take pictures....I was searching for something and I had no idea that I was. Had no idea how to go about all of that. And..as I drove down this last time, I was filled with a constant emotion..one of questioning my life. Not the usual sort of thing "oh where did I go wrong?" stuff...but I kept seeing people that were working so hard, driving so fast..everywhere I was and looked...there was..like..there was no happiness. No softness. And I was impacted by this total lack of ..it was like I was looking at one of those round wire gerbil cages. Everyone was just goin and goin....with nothing in sight but more of the same.

I got to thinking then....how did I get to here? To this place in my life? and of course, I don't have a fucking clue. I seem to wander about in a state of mindfulness. I am so damned lucky to be as I am. I wish I knew how that happened. I didn't plan for retirement..it just unfolded. As my life always has. And now, I want to live forever..just like this...cruising around, living in the North....but now I have grandkids...even that has a funny ring to it, in my ears..I can't have grandkids..I'm too young...or for sure., not old enough and I am a poor role model. But then I think...this is who I am and who I wanted to be...kind of a loose cannon, even. meh....

I felt badly for those people I saw...and I wanted to say....stop this and go and live a life. Stop this silly grubbing for a buck...for more bux and go do something with yourselves. Because...it's a terrible game that we get dragged into. And then..the game is winding down..we get spat out...and wait to die.

All this at 8 am...and I am drinking coffee in Vancouver, playing wit the dog and waiting for Sharon to get here..about 11. She is flying down this morning and we'll have 6 days of living large.